Archive for July, 2008

MySpace Blogs – “Gimmee gimmee gimmee, Xbox three sixty.”

July 30, 2008

This was a good one. Funny now how I never did buy an Xbox 360, although I apparently really wanted one. This is now unimaginable to me as I don’t play video games much anymore. In addition, there is a Heath Legend reference, which, well, … he was mentioned.
-E


Ze fuhst heding iz: “Gimmee gimmee gimmee, Xbox three sixty.”
Unt ze zekund iz: “Something smells fishy and I think it’s me.”
Ze date iz: “Nine Maids A-Milking (3 days from Christmas)”
Auther iz: “E-moneyhoez”

Unt now GO!

My friend Octagon sent me an electronic mail message today which got me rather excited. How excited was I? Rather. Of course I was right in the middle of the drudgery of The Cube, so I was glad to receive any sort of communication. But it wasn’t only the fact that it was an email received via the hot, hot, hot Gmail, being viewed in the ultra-trendy browser Mozilla Firefox, during which I was listening the critic’s indie choice Arcade Fire on my super hip musical iPod device. No, it wasn’t simply existing in a state of ultimate supercool-newmillenium-youthoscity. It was that the gmail email promised a way to get even MORE ultratrendyhippycool.

It promised a way to get an Xbox 360.

Which of course is the hot hot must have hot toy of the hot hot-liday seahot. ( I mean, season. Sorry, the drool caused me to slur.)

OMFG XBOX THREE SIXTY 2 HAWT WHOOAAAAA!!!!1!

Yeah baby.

I read the following:
Best Buy is supposed to get Xbox 360 shipments this week. Some stores might already have the Xbox 360 by now. Best Buy wants to avoid lines this time around. In an internal memo (which conveniently appeared on a Teamxbox forum) details how the Xbox 360s are sold to avoid lines.

The Xbox 360 will not be placed on the sales floor. No signs will be announcing that the Xbox 360 is in stock. You are supposed to be greeted at the door with the question “What brings you in today?” Right answer is Xbox 360. Then they will tell you that they have the inventory of Xbox 360s and the customer will receive a voucher and proceed to the designated area to arrange the purchase.

Wow.

Some things that didn’t make it into the interoffice memo:
– The rule that if a customer answers “Xbox,” “That new microsoft system,” “The hottest hot hot toy this hot-liday,” or a sloppily mumbled “Echsbochs Freesixty,” you must immediately deny them a voucher.
– The rule that if the customer looks poor, smells like 99 Bananas, is unshaven, or seems otherwise unable to pay the required $500 once they reach the Microsoft-brand Xbox Holding Pen of Purchase Arrangement, they must be denied a voucher.
– At least five more mentions of the phrase “Xbox 360.”

Is it true? Of course not. Somehow these people want the Xbox 360 so much that delude themselves into thinking that there is a secret handshake that might work… but then again… it might work for me.

I figured my chances were good. The memo went on to state that the Xbox 360s would be sold a day after they received a shipment. I figured Thursday is a good shot — late in the week, but not TOO late. (Oh god no, ju-u-u-ust right.) Also I am a normal looking male, and clean shaven. Granted, my torn jeans might indicate an inability to pay… but I decided to gamble that fact.

I actually forgot about going to Best Buy after I got home from work. But then a friend came over and we agreed to go rent a movie after they refused to see Syriana or Brokeback Mountain with me. (On the grounds that they are “in love with Heath Ledger”, and “don’t want to see anyone else kissing him, girl or cowboy.”)

So we got our movie, and it just so happened that Best Buy was on the way. I explained what I had heard via gmail email. Now, my friend was female so the phrase “Xbox 360” had little impact in this case. But her longtime love of Willly Wonka was able to pique her curiousity enough to go along and see if we received a golden ticket after all.

As we parked and approached the storefront I was quite literally a-tingle with excitement. I wanted that Xbox so bad. Oh, I wanted it. I wanted to buy it with my credit card, run home, and put it on eBay for 800 dollars and sell it so fast that I wouldn’t even have to actually spend anything at all.

I could almost taste the Capitalism.

I actually got a self-induced adrenaline rush.

I started to lay out the plan, with hand motions. “Now, we HAVE to get greeted, you understand. And also, don’t mess it up by saying anything. Just let me do the talking.” My friend nodded. We were golden.

Or were we?

Yes we were. … or… were we?

We approached the doors, and time slowed. Ahead of us, a middle-aged man with close-cropped hair and a long brown jacket stopped at the security pedestal and began speaking with the blue-shirted representative there. I realized that there was, actually an extra man standing next to the security podium!

Undoubtedly, this man was The Greeter, as foretold in the texts.

My heart was racing… and then everything went wrong. The man wasn’t moving. He was engaging The Greeter. He wasn’t saying hello and moving on. Oh no… he knows. I don’t know how, but he knows! He’s going to get my Golden Ticket!

I stopped. I stopped moving through the entrance and stood right behind the man. I must needs be greeted! All depends upon this moment! We musn’t fail, not when we’ve come so far!

The man walking behind me almost walked right into me when I stopped, then he stood behind me, probably thinking “WTF is with this idiot?” before shifting around me with a wry backward glance. The brown-jacket man walked forward, and the blue-shirted man turned to me. Here it came… the question. The ‘What brings you in today?’ I had won.

“How you doin’ tonight?”

WTF WAS THIS? This wasn’t in the memo! My mind raced… this was a test, undoubtedly. Yes, yesyes… probably the Emergency Inventory Conservation Protocal 24-G… meant to prevent only the most driven consumer from spending their monies on an Xbox 360 once the supply began to dwindle. I thought hard, trying to come up with the right response.

“Good.”

I tried to play it casual. I looked at the man slyly, giving him a winkwinknudgenudge with my eye. Now, yes now he would ask me the golden question.

But he didn’t. He didn’t say anything, he just smiled.

No! Noooo! My chance was slipping away! I had failed! I had given the wrong response, and the Cave of Agribah was closing in front of me! I panicked, I clawed at my last hope and blurted out:

“You have any Xbox 360s?”

With a smirk that just screamed “Wrong Answer,” the man responded:

“Nope.”

You bastard. You lying bastard!

“Oh really? Because I heard you might be getting a shipment in this week.”
“Yeah we got one in Sunday. There were about 30 people standing in line outside when we opened. They sold out within minutes.”

I cast my eyes down, and began to tread with heavy step out into the cold dark of winter.

“Have a good night!”

I flipped the back of my palm into the air, lazily. It flopped like a limp mackarel.

A mackarel who had been caught hook, line, and sinker.

I got in the car and turned the key. I pulled it into reverse, and noticed that my right foot was still jumping erratically upon the gas pedal as the adrenaline coursed its way out of my bloodstream.

Fin.


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