All God’s Creatures

My roommate is afeared of creatures. This is a factotum that I have realized recently and now store in my heart and mind as truth. I also had it printed into mahogany and mounted above my hearth.

It started when we moved in. The townhouse we moved into had lain long dormant, filled with the detritus of neglect. Cobwebs marked the corners. The kitchen didn’t smell like garlic. There was a Duraflame log sitting wrapped and stoic in the aforementioned hearth.

There were spiders.

Pretty big spiders actually. They were a dark chocolate color, not quite black but close enough for the girls I go out with. Hairy creatures. Their long legs reaching out around them like needles of pure terror.

They were gross. These weren’t your daddy’s daddylonglegs.

These spiders had to be killed. It just couldn’t stand. I’m sure you understand. There were far too many spiders in the townhome. I killed spiders in the livingroom. I killed spiders in corners. I killed spiders in the bathroom. I… I… I killed spiders on the bed.

The bed.

Despite the grain-o-rice amount of guilt I felt about killing these helpful creatures, I did it because it had to be done. I did it for my roommate’s sanity and for my own peace. If I was summoned I would answer, tissue in hand, to quickly mash one of these multi-eyed behemoths. And the bodies of the dead piled high… somewhere far away in the recesses of our city’s sewer system. Flushed — may the afterlife hold thee forever.

But I digress. My roommate is afeared of creatures.

I should have seen it coming when I was informed of The Toad. The Toad was sitting shiny-eyed and condescending on the cement patio. He was in the middle of what could only be referred to as “chilling,” as only a Toad can. My roommate however, felt a chill of a different sort when she saw him. She could not bear to smoke a smoke whilst The Toad watched. The Toad had to be removed.

I was summoned. I gave The Toad a gentle, yet insistent, prodding toward the nearby trees. And peace was restored on the patio.

Mere weeks later there was a dead bird lying in the grass. There was no rest to be had from these … these creatures! But the height of the madness came on a wet spring night only three weeks ago.

The First Big Rain.

Worms! Worms everywhere. Worms covering the streets. Covering the walkways. Peeking their abominable heads from the very soil beneath our feet. These invaders were deemed “disgusting.” Luckily they had not broached the lines of neutrality, and peace could continue.

OR HAD THEY???? (OR COULD IT????2??)

While sliding through the intertubes that evening I was surprised to see my roommate appear with a full bag of garbage a-hand. Dialogue:

“What’s up?”
“There… is a worm.”
“…”
“There is a worm in the garage. It’s right… in the way of the garbage can. Can you throw this out?”
“Sure.”

I walked the garbage to the garage. Lo and behold, the rumors held veritas. There was indeed a worm, slinking his slimy way directly in the path between the door and the garbage can. So I did what any hero would do in times of dire crisis:

I stepped over it and dumped the bag.

Tags: creatures, roommate, worm